Bog Roll Battles (Clovenhoof: The Isolation Chronicles Book 1) by Heide Goody & Iain Grant

Author:Heide Goody & Iain Grant [Goody, Heide]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: comedy, Humor, satan, Fantasy
Publisher: Pigeon Park Press
Published: 2020-04-10T22:00:00+00:00

7

Clovenhoof gathered Ben and Nerys in his flat that evening for a tasting session. They stood waiting with a glass each while he poured each sample into a numbered jar in the kitchen.

“I have some new flavours for you to try,” he said, bringing out the tray of jars and placing it on the table, “but we’ll do a blind test so you can guess what they are.”

“Is that code for ‘you would refuse to drink it if I told you what’s in it, so I’m pretending it’s a game’?” asked Nerys.

“What would you refuse to drink if I put it in a Lambrini?” asked Clovenhoof.

Nerys thought for a moment. “Smoked haddock. In fact any kind of smoked fish. In fact, any kind of fish. Or meat.”

Clovenhoof nodded, took one of the jars off the table and put it on the floor, out of the way. “Right you are. Let’s go then!”

Nerys peered under the table at the banished jar, shaking her head. “Hit me up with number one. Have we seen all the pictures on social media of toilet paper hoarding?”

Clovenhoof poured them each a sample of a bright orange liquid. “I’m pleased with this one. Yes, I went down to the big supermarket at Jockey Road and everyone was going nuts, buying the big packets.”

“Selfish bastards,” said Nerys, taking a sip. “Oh. Weird. It sort of tastes a bit familiar. But not bad.”

“I took some pictures,” said Clovenhoof, holding up his phone and showing Ben and Nerys the bare aisle and the scowling man with his spring onions and jumbo pack of toilet roll.

“I’m sure I recognise him,” said Nerys, leaning forward. “He looks like somebody I dated a couple of years ago.”

“Is it carrot and coriander?” asked Ben.

“No, I think his name was Neil,” said Nerys.

“You’re very close, Ben,” said Clovenhoof. “Keep going.”

“Definitely coriander, with a sweetness that’s come from, oh I don’t know, peaches? Apricots?”

“Ben wins the first round! He has correctly identified coriander and apricot jam. What do we think of the taste?”

“It’s actually not terrible,” said Ben, smacking his lips and taking another sip.

Nerys was busy on her phone, looking for a number. She pressed the screen with a grunt of recognition and waited for the call to connect. “Neil? Neil. Why were you buying so much toilet paper today?” She paused and glanced at Clovenhoof and Ben. “Never mind how I know, I’m betting you still live alone, am I right?” Clovenhoof was dying to hear the other side of the conversation: Nerys looked even angrier at the response. “I don’t care if you think you might be onto a sure thing. What if you’re preventing some little old lady from getting what she needs at the shops? You’re such a bell end. Don’t let me catch you doing it again.”

Nerys hung up and took a sip of the drink as if nothing had happened. “This one is all right. I hope you wrote down exactly what you added, you might have a winner.

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